CLAY'S eleven

I was asked by a good friend of mine to make him a CD. He asked me to pick eleven songs that mean something to me. He also told me not to over think it, and just do it. 

I did probably give this task too much thought, but I like to do these little things. This felt quite similar to the Essential20 idea that Justin floated through us a couple of years back. Only this time, I didn't have to rely on Spotify. I knew I would have everything I wanted.

Of course, I tried to include my BIG FIVE, and I got three out of the five. I had a bit of an epiphany a little while ago where five musical artists revealed themselves to be my absolute favourites:

1. Neil Young
2. Bob Dylan
3. Frank Zappa
4. Paul Kelly
5. David Bowie

For whatever reason, these five musicians are the ones where I've tried the hardest to listen to their entire body of work. I haven't quite got there with all five yet, but I'm certainly making headway.

Anyway, I decided to distance myself from my favourite bands and songs and stuff and hone in on music that provoked an emotional response of some kind from me. As someone else would be listening to it, I also thought it best to keep the length of the tracks fairly short too; no twenty six minute prog rock epics here! The longest song goes for six and half minutes, but they tend to be between three and four.

I think I've come up with a fairly indicative list, but as is always the case with these things, I've missed a few songs. I'm not going to dwell on those missed choices though. For whatever reason, I feel that these eleven tracks were the ones I was meant to pick.

Anyway, here they are:

1. Desperados Under The Eaves by Warren Zevon (Warren Zevon, 1976)

I went through a pretty big Warren Zevon phase a few years back after a fellow who worked at Rosie O'Grady's lent me the A Quiet Normal Life compilation. This was a track that constantly grabbed me whenever it played. I seemed to be drawn in by it, and as the song builds towards it end, I would feel a little teary for some reason. It's not a sad song or anything, but the arrangement is pretty stirring. I have been lucky to play it live a handful of times, and it has some of my favourite lyrics that Zevon ever wrote. I was always pretty bummed that I didn't really get into his music until after he died.

2. Don't Let It Bring You Down by Neil Young (After The Gold Rush, 1970)

Of course there had to be a Neil Young song in here, and I landed on this one. Not only my favourite song from my favourite Neil Young album, but it has a lyric that I found myself quoting a lot over the years:

"Don't let it bring you down/

It's only castles burning..."

I don't really know what it means, but I find it strangely comforting. I feel it expresses a desire to rise above whatever situation who find yourself in. I might be wrong, but that's the great thing about music, isn't it?

3. The Lighthouse Song by Josh Pyke (Chimney's Afire, 2008)

Rhona and I both love Josh Pyke and we've seen him live about seven or eight times. His music speaks to both of us, and we even have lyrics from one of his songs on our bedroom wall. I chose this track because it always reminds of me of Rhona. When things get a little tough, and the world seems to be closing in around us, this songs almost becomes something of a mantra. We're about to celebrate our 15 year wedding anniversary and I think our relationship is stronger than it's ever been. I cherish our marriage dearly, and I don't take it for granted. This song feels like it's about us, in a weird way.

4. Pink Moon by Nick Drake (Pink Moon, 1972)

I had to listen to Nick Drake's Pink Moon as part of my blogging adventures for afyccim, and it was my first ever experience with the man. I was struck by the song's simplicity and beauty. That piano in the middle of the track is just wondrous. It just does something to me. It centres and clams me. I love it. 

5. The Mission: Unexplainable Stories by Cloud Cult (Light Chasers, 2010)

From the first time I heard this song, I loved it. The opening brass lines grabbed me and I was hooked within ten seconds. It wouldn't surprise you to know that this song is from a concept album, and this is the start of the story, but it works quite well on its own. I absolutely love how the musical layers stack up throughout the track. It's stunning.

6. (Nice Dream) by Radiohead (The Bends, 1995)

For a long time, I held this album to be my favourite of all time, and it's still up there. I chose this song because I think everything great about Radiohead is in this one track. Lovely melodic vocals, lush arrangements, screaming guitars and beautiful counter melodies. Its the latter than really grab here. When they start up in the middle choruses, I just get taken away. He he he...and then the guitars shake me out of it.

7. God by John Lennon (John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band, 1970)

I've spent a large portion of my life as fan of The Beatles, and I still am one. John has always been my favourite Beatle, and I gravitate towards the songs he wrote. When I chose my ten essential Beatles tracks recently, seven of them were John's. This album is a very strong contender for my all time favourite too. Such raw honesty and emotion. This track in particular strips away the idea that John clings to any ideal, religion or figure. All that matters is his relationship with Yoko, and again that's something I relate to me and Rhona. I also love this song for Ringo's drumming; every fill on the "I don't believe in..." lines is different. 

8. The Golden Age by Beck (Sea Change, 2002)

Another one of those songs that just takes me away. I love listening to this one while I'm driving, as the lyrics describe being in the car. Again, it's a fairly simple song, but the arrangement and the vocal layering elevate it well above the average track. This is another song that seems to calm or soothe me.

9. Not Dark Yet by Bob Dylan (Time Out Of Mind, 1997)

This hypnotic, almost dirge-like track is the longest one in this list. It's slow, it's fairly simple, but I love the lyrics and the repeated guitar riff. It feels like the musical equivalent of an ocean wave; the song just washes over you. This album was the beginning of one of my favourite Dylan eras, and it always reminds me of the road he went down. 

10. Little Aches And Pains by Paul Kelly (Spring And Fall, 2012)

I love Paul Kelly, and if there's any songwriter I wish I could emulate, he's it. His observational style and storytelling skills paint such vivid images. This track is a little different, but it still evokes a picture of sorts. As the song's narrator talks about getting older and how he always feels little aches and pains, Kelly knocks out some of my favourite lyrics:

"Disabled we're born, disabled we die/

Is that a cliche? I'll make it one/

Hope it doesn't get too creaky..."

I also hold this track as something special because the first time I heard was live. Rhona and I went to see the Paul Kelly documentary Stories Of Me at the Astor Theatre and Kelly came out at the end of the film to play a few songs. This was one of them, and I loved it immediately. We were lucky enough to score front row tickets too, so he was directly in front of us. Magic moment.

11. It's A Motherfucker by Eels (Daisies Of The Galaxy, 2000)

Despite the profanity, this is a beautiful song. Those strings are just amazing, and I think it's one of the most perfect arrangements I've ever heard. It's a nice way to the end of the list too. I think this was the song that started me down the Eels' rabbit hole as well. I haven't listened to the last three or four albums, but I should get onto that.

So, there you have it. I might try to do this again in a little while, as an experiment, and see what I choose then.

A Murderous Anniversary

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds released Murder Ballads on this day in 1996, and while it's not my favourite album of theirs, it does hold a special place in my heart. I had never really gotten into Nick Cave up until the time that the Where The Wild Roses Grow single with Kylie Minogue came out in late 1995. I quite liked the song, and I still like it, and it brought the band a lot of attention and gave Kylie some much needed street cred at the time. 

Shortly after the single's release I heard about the forthcoming album that would be made up entirely of songs about death and murder. Being a 19 year old fellow, I was quite morbidly curious about this idea. Having been vaguely familiar with Cave's work, I certainly didn't expect the Tell Laura I Love Her and Leader Of The Pack style of death anthem. 

The only Cave songs I really knew back then were The Ship Song and Do You Love Me? as they had been included on the first two Triple J Hottest 100 CDs. I'd seen snippets of clips of his time in The Birthday Party and some earlier clips with the Bad Seeds, but it didn't really blow my skirt up. But there something about Cave that was enticing to me. That deep voice, that menacing form and that dark, forbidding quality. 

Anyway, long story short, I bought Murder Ballads when it came out, and it was my first Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds album. As I listen to it now, my impressions of it are still pretty quite similar to how I felt nineteen years ago. The concept is fantastic, and the moods created on all the tracks are suitably eerie. However, some of the songs just aren't engaging. I think the weakest tracks are the ones that don't present their story very clearly, namely Lovely Creature, Crow Jane and The Kindness Of Strangers. So, I find it a little hit-and-miss, pardon the pun. 

When they DO get it right though, it's downright unsettling. I think the album opener, Song Of Joy, does the best job of giving you chills, and Cave's performance is suitably unhinged. You feel as though he's talking directly to you through the speakers and the line between the song's narrator and murderer are nicely blurred.

The upbeat tempo and almost cartoon-like imagery of The Curse Of Millhaven is a big highlight for me too, and possibly my favourite track on the album. The repeated "La la la la/La la la lie" by the specially assembled group of backing vocalists (dubbed the Moron Tabernacle Choir) adds a fantastical element as well. 

Although it's a long listen at fourteen and a half minutes, O'Malley's Bar is great too, and probably the most graphic track, detailing the massacre of the patrons and staff at a tavern. Again, it's Cave's performance that lifts these songs out of the reach of the average singer because of his gothic theatricality. The Bad Seeds know how to create a sonic landscape that he can lay the words onto, and I couldn't think of another group to tackle such a concept. I have read in my travels this week, that the band tailored this album around O'Malley's Bar, because it was the only way the song could exist. I believe that to be true.

I love that Murder Ballads closes with Dylan's dirge-like Death Is Not The End, and that the guest vocalists and musicians contribute vocals to each verse. It strikes me as a whimsical epilogue that washes away the savagery of the previous tracks, and reminds you that it was all a musical dream. 

Getting back to why this LP is important to me, if I had not taken the plunge and bought it, I doubt I would have delved more into Cave's work. Aside from 2003's Nocturama, I have all the Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds albums from Murder Ballads to 2013's excellent Push The Sky Away. I also have The Best Of compilation that was released in 1998. I am not much of a fan of their eighties material, but I love Deanna. I much prefer the live renditions of The Mercy Seat and From Her To Eternity that Cave performed in Fremantle last November too. I find tracks like Tupelo and The Carny quite menacing and difficult to enjoy. 

So, while I don't love Murder Ballads to death (badoom-tish!), I am grateful for its exist and the path it slowly lead me down. Without it, I may not have Abattoir Blues/The Lyre Of Orpheus in my favourite albums of all time list. 

#CLAYcentric5 - January Report

This year I've started a little project that I've dubbed #CLAYcentric5. The basic concept is that each day I log five songs that I have listened to, or will listen to, for whatever reason. Sometimes a song will make my daily quintet purely by coincidence, for instance it could have been playing at the supermarket, or randomly came up while my iPod shuffled along. Sometimes I might've just woken up with a particular track in my head that stayed for most of the day. If it's a musician's birthday or an anniversary of an album release that can influence my tune selection as well. For shits and giggles, I'm tweeting my picks every day too, hence the hashtag. Also a bit of a failsafe, in case I lose my list somehow. 

I don't only listen to five songs a day, by the way. Let's make that clear. I just choose five that are memorable, or important to the date for whatever reason. I'm also not going to have any duplicates, either of the exact same song, or a remix or live version.

My goal is have a grand total of 2015 songs by the end of 2015. What a way to commemorate the year, huh? I'll have a nice little flash drive (or two) chock full of the songs that I listened to. Because 365 multiplied by five doesn't equal 2015, some days I have an AM set of five songs and a PM selection. By the end of January I had a list of 170 songs. I'm well on target.

I'm hoping that when I listen back to the songs next year, or whenever, they'll trigger some memories of moments that I might have otherwise forgotten. For instance, Josh Pyke's fabulous cover of Kenny Loggins' House At Pooh Corner came on my iPod as we drove into our holiday house in the Porongurups. It was early January, and the last night we were going to spend there. We'd been out all day, driving and exploring. Our day ended with a top meal at the Plantagenet Hotel in Mount Barker, capping off a wonderful slice of family time. I hope those songs from that day help me to remember the trip. Who knows what memories these songs will keep.

So, anyway, here's a few stats. 

JANUARY (170 SONGS):

4 SONGS
David Bowie

3 SONGS
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
Pink Floyd

2 SONGS
The Bangles
Jackson Browne
The Flaming Lips
New Order
Josh Pyke
The Rolling Stones

AUSTRALIAN TRACKS: 27

SONGS RELEASED AFTER 2010: 2

SONGS FROM THE 1970's: 37

SONGS WITH 'YOU' IN THE TITLE: 19 (including You by Marcia Hines)

SONGS WITH 'ME' IN THE TITLE: 9

SONGS WITH BOTH 'YOU' AND 'ME' IN THE TITLE: 2 (perfect opportunity for You and Me by Alice Cooper, but it wasn't on the list)

LIVE VERSIONS: 7

SONGS WITH 'LOVE' IN THE TITLE: 9

Well, there you go... 

Here's the full list:

JAN 1

1. New Year's Day (live) U2

2. Happy To Hang Around TRAVIS

3. One Day Like This ELBOW

4. The Sound of Silence SIMON & GARFUNKEL

5. To The End BLUR

JAN 2

6. Wintersong BOB EVANS

7. No Milk Today HERMAN'S HERMITS

8. King of the Road ROGER MILLER

9. Photograph WEEZER

10. Ego Tripping (Self-Admiration With Blow-Up Mix) THE FLAMING LIPS

JAN 3 (AM)

11. Young Pilgrims THE SHINS

12. Sweet Thing DAVID BOWIE

13. Suite: Judy Blue Eyes CROSBY, STILLS & NASH

14. Digital Love DAFT PUNK

15. Love You SYD BARRETT

JAN 3 (PM)

16. Mary's In India DIDO

17. I Am The Walrus THE BEATLES

18. Across The Night SILVERCHAIR

19. She's a Rainbow ROLLING STONES

20. True Colours CYNDI LAUPER

JAN 4

21. Temptation NEW ORDER

22. Sweetness Follows R.E.M.

23. Glory Box PORTISHEAD

24. Hearts a Mess GOTYE

25. Goldfinger ASH

JAN 5

26. Total Eclipse Of The Heart BONNIE TYLER

27. Many's The Time (In Dublin) TIM FINN

28. Jungle Boogie KOOL & THE GANG

29. I've Loved These Days (live) BILLY JOEL

30. Sunday Girl BLONDIE

JAN 6

31. Come All Ye FAIRPORT CONVENTION

32. Bedshaped KEANE

33. The Hustle VAN McCOY

34. Hold On ALABAMA SHAKES

35. Come On (Let The Good Times Roll) JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE

JAN 7

36. Sneakin' Sally Through The Alley ROBERT PALMER

37. Our Lips Are Sealed THE GO-GO'S

38. Living Forever GENESIS

39. Shine On You Crazy Diamond pts1-5 PINK FLOYD

40. House At Pooh Corner JOSH PYKE

JAN 8

41. Time To Move On TOM PETTY

42. Kooks DAVID BOWIE

43. The Ghost Song THE DOORS

44. Suspicious Minds ELVIS PRESLEY

45. There Goes God (live) CROWDED HOUSE

JAN 9

46. White & Nerdy "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC

47. The Space Between DAVE MATTHEWS BAND

48. The Ocean LED ZEPPELIN

49. Somebody To Love JEFFERSON AIRPLANE

50. With God On Our Side BOB DYLAN

JAN 10

51. Babylon Sisters STEELY DAN

52. Stay With Me THE FACES

53. We Belong PAT BENATAR

54. Billy the Mountain (live) FRANK ZAPPA & THE MOTHERS

55. Running Up That Hill KATE BUSH

JAN 11

56. Let Forever Be THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS

57. Ceremony NEW ORDER

58. Manic Monday THE BANGLES

59. You're A Friend Of Mine CLARENCE CLEMONS & JACKSON BROWNE

60. I'll Be Gone SPECTRUM

JAN 12

61. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road ELTON JOHN

62. You and Your Sister CHRIS BELL

63. The Sorrowful Wife NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS

64. Guerilla Radio RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE

65. Good Times Bad Times LED ZEPPELIN

JAN 13

66. My City Of Ruins BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

67. Brainville THE FLAMING LIPS

68. Driving In My Car MADNESS

69. I Don't Want To Be With Nobody But You ABSENT FRIENDS

70. Won't You Come Around? PAUL KELLY

JAN 14

71. Young Love MYSTERY JETS feat. LAURA MARLING

72. Yes We Can Can HARRY CONNICK, JR.

73. Breaking Glass (live) DAVID BOWIE

74. The Pretender FOO FIGHTERS

75. Gets Me Through OZZY OSBOURNE

JAN 15 (AM)

76. Looking For Clues ROBERT PALMER

77. Never Make You Cry ERIC CLAPTON

78. Don't Tell Me The Time MARTHA DAVIS

79. Her Eyes Are A Blue Million Miles CAPTAIN BEEFHEART

80. Ain't Too Proud To Beg THE TEMPTATIONS

JAN 15 (PM)

81. We Gathered In Spring MIDLAKE

82. Owner Of A Lonely Heart YES

83. #1 Crush GARBAGE

84. Growing Up (Tom Lord-Alge mix) PETER GABRIEL

85. The Grudge TOOL

JAN 16

86. Walk, Don't Run THE VENTURES

87. Nothing From Nothing BILLY PRESTON

88. Your Love Is King SADE

89. It's A Long Way There LITTLE RIVER BAND

90. I Wouldn't Want To Be Like You ALAN PARSONS PROJECT

JAN 17

91. Wherever I Lay My Hat (That's My Home) PAUL YOUNG

92. Respectable Dive RUFUS WAINWRIGHT

93. If She Knew What She Wants THE BANGLES

94. Bouncing Off Clouds TORI AMOS

95. Can't You Hear Me Knocking ROLLING STONES

JAN 18

96. 6 Weeks JAMES MORRISON

97. Hold Me Now THOMPSON TWINS

98. Freak On A Leash KORN

99. Time Bomb RANCID

100. Hey Dude KULA SHAKER

JAN 19

101. Let There Be Love OASIS

102. The Special Two MISSY HIGGINS

103. You Can Do Magic AMERICA

104. Clovis' Sons JOSH PYKE

105. Piece of My Heart BIG BROTHER & THE HOLDING COMPANY

JAN 20

106. If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next MANIC STREET PREACHERS

107. Cool Your Heels ATLAS STRINGS

108. Just a Little Lovin' DUSTY SPRINGFIELD

109. Do You Love Me? KISS

110. Phoenix DAFT PUNK

JAN 21

111. Sing It Again BECK

112. They Can't Take That Away From Me FRANK SINATRA

113. Dizzy VIC REEVES & WONDER STUFF

114. Landslide of Love TRANSVISION VAMP

115. Call It A Day THE RACONTEURS

JAN 22

116. Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll THE KILLERS

117. Underneath It All NO DOUBT feat LADY SAW

118. Mean Old World SAM COOKE

119. Listen Like Thieves INXS

120. Mr Brownstone GUNS N' ROSES

JAN 23

121. Marlene On The Wall SUZANNE VEGA

122. Well...All Right BLIND FAITH

123. Dogs PINK FLOYD

124. I Was Alive THE WHITLAMS

125. Wild Is The Wind (2010 Harry Maslin mix) DAVID BOWIE

JAN 24

126. Walk Away Renee BILLY BRAGG

127. Instant Crush DAFT PUNK feat JULIAN CASABLANCAS

128. Save A Prayer DURAN DURAN

129. Desperados Under The Eaves WARREN ZEVON

130. Running On Empty JACKSON BROWNE

JAN 25

131. You MARCIA HINES

132. Check It Out JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP

133. The Unguarded Moment THE CHURCH

134. She Drives Me Crazy FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS

135. Empire State Of Mind (Part II) Broken Down ALICIA KEYS

JAN 25 AM

136. She Will Survive THINGS OF STONE & WOOD

137. Blush THE HUMMINGBIRDS

138. In My Command CROWDED HOUSE

139. Someone's Singing New York New York GHOSTWRITERS

140. It's Nice To Be Alive BALL PARK MUSIC

JAN 26 PM

141. The Ship Song (live) NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS

142. Lonely FRENTE!

143. Solid Rock GOANNA

144. Back To The Wall DIVINYLS

145. From Little Things Big Things Grow PAUL KELLY

JAN 27

146. Louder Than Words PINK FLOYD

147. Straight On (acoustic) HEART

148. Death or Glory THE CLASH

149. By All Means Necessary ROBBIE WILLIAMS

150. Ashes to Ashes FAITH NO MORE

JAN 28

151. White Winter Hymnal FLEET FOXES

152. Possession SARAH McLACHLAN

153. The Drinking Song MOXY FRÜVOUS

154. Baby Blue BADFINGER

155. Evening Kitchen BAND OF HORSES

JAN 29

156. 99.9F° SUZANNE VEGA

157. Jesus of Suburbia GREEN DAY

158. Grindstone HUNTERS & COLLECTORS

159. Big Time NEIL YOUNG & CRAZY HORSE

160. Somewhere In My Heart AZTEC CAMERA

JAN 30

161. Hand In Hand PHIL COLLINS

162. God JOHN LENNON

163. Volunteers JEFFERSON AIRPLANE

164. Straight To You NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS

165. Tin Soldier SMALL FACES

JAN 31

166. No Language In Our Lungs XTC

167. Mambo Sun T. REX

168. Make Me Smile CHICAGO

169. Get Down Tonight KC & THE SUNSHINE BAND

170. Whirlwind ROXY MUSIC

Ring

I thought I might actually try one of the topics suggested by BLAM for this blog post. The suggested subject was simply 'ring', so why not?

"It's crazy but I'm frightened by the sound of the telephone, oh yeah..."

- Robert Palmer (Looking For Clues)

The first thing that pops into my mind is the ring of a telephone, possibly because my attitude towards them has changed over the years. When I was a kid, a ringing phone was an exciting event. I would race my sister to see who would get there first and answer the call. The possibilities of who the caller might be was seemingly endless! 
Because of the age of the mobile phone, our home landline rarely rings. When it does, we usually ignore it. Unfortunately, that's because nine times out of ten it's a telemarketer or someone else selling something and/or asking for money. The biggest advantage of the mobile phone is seeing who is ringing you. I rarely answer a call that has no caller ID. Again, because it usually means someone wants to put their hand in my pocket. I figure that if it's important, the caller will leave a message and I will call them back.

But even then, I'm not all that good on the phone. I get very nervous in social situations at the best of times, and a telephone conversation can be quite awkward. It's a weird thing, because sometimes I can be super smooth and relaxed, but in another situation I'm stuttering and anxious. A simple back and forth with the person operating the cash register at Coles is so easy one day, and then so challenging the next.

This weird duality of mine gets even weirder when I'm with friends. People that I look forward to seeing and like spending time with, and then when I'm there I just clam up. Or my conversational offerings are fairly nonsensical or trite. It makes all those times where interaction is effortless and easy all the more frustrating. 

There is an interesting third level here, which I've only just really discovered fairly recently. At some social gatherings I've been more of a spectator than a participant, but it doesn't bother me. Rather than getting flustered and telling myself to say something, I just sit back and take everything in. I listen to the conversations and enjoy everybody's interactions. I laugh at the jokes and the funny stories, but I don't offer up anything. When I'm the right mood, I find this quite pleasurable. Kind of weirdly voyeuristic and lazy, I guess, but still being social.

The mind is a strange thing. I find it bizarre that your mood can dictate how you handle yourself in certain situations. Ahhhh, the mysteries of life...

January

January used to be my absolute favourite month of the year. It kinda still is, but it's just not as exciting as it once was. 

My birthday is in January, but it's right at the end of the school holidays. It was weird to look forward to it, knowing that the impending doom of another school year was close behind. Now that I have kids of my own, that same mixture of anticipation and dread remains. We just love the lazy days, late nights and sleep-ins. No school, no work for Rhona, no therapy or medical appointments; it's a great time for Team Bolgies to relax and recharge. 

One of the reasons I used to love January so much was that it was right in the middle of the awards season. For years I was a massive Oscars buff, and would try to catch all the films up for Best Picture before the ceremony. You'd also get results of the Golden Globes and BAFTAs too, which gave you a good idea of what would likely win at the Academy Awards. In the last coupla years I've totally lost interest. I don't know if it's because I'm not a fan of newer movies or if some of the awards went to the wrong winner, in my mind, in the past. It's like a switch went off in my head. Actually, I think it might have been when the Best Picture nominations increased from five to a maximum of ten. Maybe the increased viewing log has put me off or something. So, for whatever reason, my love of all things Oscar-related has gone.

I used to look forward to the Triple J Hot 100 every Jan 26th too. When Big Jet Plane topped the list, that was me done. I have every 2CD compilation from every year up until that point. I rarely listen to modern music now too, so I have no idea what 98% of the songs in the poll are. So, I don't vote in it, or listen to the countdown anymore.

I'm not a summer person at all, and that's another reason that January and I have a love/hate relationship. Although this Perth summer has been a little milder than usual, particularly the cooler evenings, I'm in fear of a hiding come February and March. Possibly April as well. 

One thing I am digging about January is the Bowieversaries! I didn't coin that term (thank you, Justin), but I'm using it now. Not only do the excellent Station To Station and Low albums celebrate the anniversary of their releases in January, but it's also Bowie's birthday on the 8th too! A good reason to delve into some quality Bowie, as I have already demonstrated on this blog.

I remember in 2013, Bowie released the video of Where Are We Now? on his birthday; his first original release in a decade. It was touted by many as a Bowie birthday miracle, and rightly so. With this astonishing clip came the news of an upcoming full album, The Next Day, which would come out in March. Yeah, that was a good January day.

I probably have more musings on January, but I might save them for Ron. 

15.1.15

Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. This is something I've been meaning to blog about for a while now. Although I don't think I'm ready to delve into the deepest depths of my being, I would like to share a few things with anybody who cares to read this.

My mother committed suicide when I was 15, just a couple of weeks away from my 16th birthday. She had been battling severe depression for about three years. A year before her death, my sister and I were brought up to speed with the extent of mum's history of depression.

We had known what she had been dealing with, but we didn't know that she had tried to kill herself before we were even born. Old injuries that she had previously blamed on sport were actually caused by this suicide attempt. I don't know the full story of this time, but I was lead to believe that falling pregnant with me helped her recover. Mum was advised by medical professionals that she wasn't in the right state of mind to have a child at that time. 

Again, I wasn't there, so I don't know what actually transpired, but I've been told that mum decided that she was going to have me, and that was that. She found an inner strength and determination to push through her mental health issues by becoming my mother. Whether or not it's true, I like to think that it is. It's a nice thought. Imagine helping someone out of depression before you were even born. I hope I was a good baby.

Anyway, my sister came along a couple of years after that and our little family enjoyed a wonderful life until I was almost a teenager; the year I turned 13 and started high school. We were living in Albany and had just moved from our GEHA home to a house my mum and dad had bought. To do so they had to sell our place in Morley, which is where I started my life's journey. For one reason or another, this is one of the factors that sent mum back into depression. She rang my grandparents in Perth (my dad's parents) and said she was unable to look after my sister and I, and they lived with us for most of that year.

From that point until the day she took her life, mum had quite a few ups and downs. At her lowest, she would attempt suicide and struggle to find a sense of self-worth. At her best, she was able to enjoy the love and affection we gave her and was even able to have fun on some occasions. 

When she died, I was hit with an amazing cocktail of emotions. Relief, in that she was not in pain anymore. Guilt, because I thought I could have done more to save her. Anger; why did she leave us all behind? Sorrow swam in and out of it all too. Being a teenager, I struggled to deal with her death. In my determination to not let her death affect me, I stunted my own emotional growth.

I didn't want to be the kind of person that blamed their circumstances on the death of a parent. I didn't want it to be an excuse for not achieving something or behaving a certain way. For want of a better word, I just wanted to be a "normal" teenager. My dad offered to get me some counselling, but I stubbornly refused. I won't go into the bumpy road I went through, and how my actions affected those closest to me. Let's just say that I'm much better now, on a emotional level. I got an extraordinary amount of support from my wife Rhona, who steered me through many a teary night.

Throughout the grieving process there were many lines of wisdom and advice given to my dad, my sister and I. One thing that I held on to was mum's suicide was an act of love, in that she probably thought we would be better off without her. Such a sad notion, but knowing how low she had felt at times, I could certainly believe it. The biggest one, of course, was that time would heal us. We would never really get over mum's death, but we would get better at dealing with it over time. Bizarrely enough, there is some truth in that. There are times when I find myself wishing she was still with us, particularly those big family moments like birthdays and weddings and what-have-you. Other times, I think that while she's gone, she's happy and she just might be watching over me, maybe. I'm not a religious person, but I like the idea of her spirit being around me and my family. Although she never got the chance to meet her grandchildren, the fact that she can be around them in some way is a comfort. 

My mother's death was life-changing in a lot of ways. If I pull on that thread, I can see all the choices that have been made since and how they've resulted in where I am now. I'm happy with where I am now. I love living in Perth with my wonderful wife and our gorgeous children. But I still find myself wishing she was here. Twenty three years later, the wounds are still there, but they seem a little easier to carry.

In a freakish coincidence, my daughter found this photo of me and my family yesterday. We were looking through the board games in her bedroom and it just flew out at her. I can't remember how it even got there. I think I am probably about four or five, which would make my sister two or three. We could even be younger. This was taken in the lounge room of my Nanna and Grandpa's house in Como, which is now covered in new townhouses. At my feet is Fred Bear (imaginative name, I know) who I still have. He was given to me when I was born. I forget what my sister's bear was called now. I like looking at mum in this photo. She looks happy.

I think my dad would be around the age I am now, possibly a little younger. I have my own little family now. There may even be a photo like this of the four of us in either my parents' or Rhona's parents' house. The cycle repeats itself, and somehow, mum lives on in us. 

While We're Blogging on Bowie...

After finishing up that last blog post I moved on to the "Heroes" album, which is the second of the Berlin trilogy. Despite its iconic black and white cover and an absolutely fantastic title track, I find it lacking compared to Low. Sure, the same Eno influences are there, and if anything, the crazy keyboard stuff is even amped up a notch. 

Rather than opening with an instrumental, we are given a fairly frenetic track in Beauty And The Beast, which isn't a bad song; it's just not as immediate as some of his other work. Similarly, Joe The Lion is energetic but a little aimless. When the third song in, "Heroes", starts up all is temporarily forgiven when Robert Fripp's guitar riff sweeps through your speakers or headphones. It is arguably Bowie's best song, if not one of. I love the album version too, because it runs over the six minute mark.

Sons Of The Silent Age is probably the second best track with vocals on the album. No idea what the song is about, but the mood, production and melody are great. Once we get into the flipside, and the instrumentals, things dip a bit. I quite dig V-2 Schneider, but the other three are all about ambiance and the hooks just aren't there. 

I'm sure that "Heroes" has been just as influential and successful as Low, but it just pales in comparison to me. I also find Lodger a little hit and miss, and I'm interested what I'll think of that when I give it another re-listen. I think that "Heroes" is the weakest of the Berlin Trilogy, but hey, it's still Bowie. And that ain't bad.