Maybe It's All a Game..?

I've always enjoyed playing video games, and I think this era is producing some amazing ones too. I never had an Atari or a Commodore 64 or anything like that growing up. Other kids I knew did, so I got to experience those consoles occasionally. I loved playing Pac-Man or 1941 while waiting for our order at the local fish and chip shop. I have memories of playing those handheld Nintendo games, and I'm pretty sure we owned a copy of Parachute. Loved getting my hands on Donkey Kong when I could...really dug the double screen action! When my dad remarried I inherited four younger stepbrothers, and I was able to play on their NES and Gameboys, which was very awesome. I have memories of the early Batman game inspired by the 1989 movie, Mega Man, Tetris, Rock and Roll Racing and countless others. Back when video rental stores were still a thing, you could rent games too. That was pretty cool. Trying out a game, and if you liked it, endeavouring to complete the thing before it was due back!

As consoles came and went over the years, it wasn't until 2000 when I actually had one call my own. It was actually a wedding present from my brother-in-law Paul, and it was a PlayStation. The first one. He'd gotten us a bunch of games to go with them as well. I spent some considerable time with Crash Bandicoot (still my PSN avatar), explored Silent Hill, got to know Nemesis (Resident Evil 3) and watched Abe on his Oddysee. Not the biggest gamer in the world, Rhona hung out with Spyro the Dragon now and again as well. 

Gaming went by the wayside for a spell as our kids came along and so did other responsibilities with them. I would play the odd game on the PC, but never found the same sense of fun I got one the old PS1. I did enjoy the Max Payne games, Enter the Matrix, Soldier of Fortune and my first Grand Theft Auto experience came when a friend lent me their copy of GTAIII. 

PS3-ing it up like it's 2008

It wasn't until we visited our family in Albany in either the late 00s that we entertained the idea of getting a PS3 (we didn't get a PS2). We played Guitar Hero with my brother and had a fair bit of fun with it. Realising that the PS3 also played Blu-ray discs, we then had another motivation to buy one. 

Those early PS3 days were filled with the various Lego adventures (particularly Batman), Heavy Rain, Guitar Hero III, GTAIV, Prince of Persia, Arkham Asylum (and Arkham City), Assassin's Creed II (my first Platinum trophy!) and Max Payne 3. My biggest loves were The Last of Us and the Uncharted series, with Uncharted 2 being my absolute favourite. The kids got older and started to play as well, and I have fond memories of playing with them on such games as The Simpsons, The Adventures of Tintin, Little Big Planet and the Buzz series, particularly Buzz Quiz. One of the most wonderful experience we had playing as a family was Ni No Kuni: The Wrath of the White Witch. Co-developed by Studio Ghibli, producers of some our favourite family films, we all became entranced by the story, taking turns in playing the battles and strength building exercises. 

Good times, good times

Anyway, as time moved on we resisted the idea of getting a PS4 for as long as we could. We had plenty of games and there wasn't that much coming out that I was interested in. Except for maybe Uncharted 4, that was a little tempting, but we sailed on without being swayed. Until Ni No Kuni II was announced as having the definite release date of 23rd March 2018. It was supposed to come out late 2016, then 2017, then it shifted from a PS3 release to a PS4 one. He he he...so we ended up getting a PS4. Finally.

Games have come and gone since then. Ni No Kuni II didn't quite live up to the hype, or was as immersive as the first one, but we still enjoyed playing it. Alyssa has become a big fan of anything Lego-related and most recently clocked up all the trophies for Lego The Incredibles game. Lachlan has been mainly enamoured with quizzes and (age-appropriate) games from the Jackbox range and they've both spent time on Minecraft, of course. Team Bolgies have also enjoyed many bouts of Uno, Monopoly, Knowledge is Power, It's Quiz Time and the occasional go at Trivial Pursuit. Rhona and I had a bit of a running rivalry on Wheel of Fortune and Boggle too, he he he.

Anyway, the reason I started writing this blog is to acknowledge how important gaming has become to me in the last couple of years. It used to be something I did fairly occasionally, but it is now a pretty regular thing. A full-blow hobby, rather than a little dalliance here and there. It has become a way for me to de-stress and, as Rhona and our therapist say, 'fill up the jellybean jar'. 

If you imagine each social interaction costs you a jellybean, and depending on the stress or anxiety levels of that interaction, the jellybeans can increase. The last thing you want before entering into a potential stressful situation is an empty jellybean jar. This was very pertinent during a few low patches I had over the last couple of years. I had several big bouts of anxiety that made it difficult to do anything.

I had days were I struggled just getting out of bed. I would put myself in a horrible state of mind, telling myself to get up, and then rationalising that there was nothing wrong with having a lie-in, but getting stressed upon having not gotten up yet. Horrible vicious circle. These mornings would stem from having a restless night's sleep with dreams stuck in a repetitive loop. I would relive the same, or similar, dream over and over again. They usually required me to achieve or procure something. I would get a small sense of relief as I woke up, knowing that the dream's task or goal wasn't something that had to be done. But then the reality of the day would sink in and the thought of having to get through another one would almost reduce me to tears.

This was a very hard period for me to get through, as I'm usually one to almost leap out of bed once it's time to get up. There were days when Rhona pretty much had to pull me up and walk me to the kitchen. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her. It was so frustrating to not be able to function like I usually did. Just checking my email was a massive event. I would only do it once a day, but it would feel like such an achievement, and a relief. 

Anyway, one of the strategies we would use to help get ourselves out of an anxious funk was to try and do some fun activities. Whether it was watching TV or reading a book or playing a game, we'd just look for something that would make us feel happier, and try to fill up the jellybean jar. Gaming on the PS4 became my go-to activity. I'd prefer to game than just sit and watch TV, and reading a book was a struggle, as I'd need to read and re-read several times to get the text to sink in. Gaming would occupy my mind a little and exercise the old grey matter at the same time.

Up until very recently, I was very much a 'one game at a time' fellow. It would take me a while to finish a game as well, because I wouldn't devote that much time to it. I became something of a savourer and would almost make a game last as long as I could. Sometimes I would get stuck on a particular boss battle or level, and just leave it for a while, possibly weeks or months. Finally biting the bullet and joining PS Plus at the end of last year has given me access to lots of games. In addition to two free monthly games, I still get the odd physical game, either as a present or sought out by myself, he he he.

Right now, I currently have these games in progress:

Middle-earth: Shadow of War
Cobra Kai: The Karate Kid Saga Continues
Vampyr

Sleeping Dogs (just the bonus games)
Shadow of the Tomb Raider
Assassin's Creed: Odyssey
Batman: Arkham Knight (replaying it)
Resident Evil 3: Nemesis (remastered PS4 version, *sigh* it's not the same)
Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy (still on the first game, he he he...I'm not as good as I used to be on that one)
Hollow Knight

Prince of Persia (on the old PS3)

Selections of the collection

I enjoy the odd round of Fall Guys as well. Actually as much as I enjoy it, I'm yet to win a round. Meanwhile, my skillful son has managed about 20 wins now. I also have Crash Bandicoot 4: It's About Time ready to go, when I am. He he he...might wait until I make a bit more headway on the first three. I can occasionally be found playing Mario Kart 8 Deluxe on the Nintendo Switch as well.

Anyway, the main reason behind me writing this post, is just to express my enjoyment of the medium. Perhaps a generation or two ago it would have been quite unusual for a fortysomething to be wrestling with a joystick plugged into an Atari. Particularly on their own. Only young children and teenagers played video games! Little would those kids dream of how advanced gaming would become. How realistic the graphics would be, and how much playing a game can almost be like watching a movie. I am thankful to have a bit an escape and a reset from time to time. And, as with anything, enjoy in moderation. So far playing violent video games hasn't turned me into a psychopath...yet. He he he...

Anxiety

Around September last year I slipped into a black hole of anxiety. It was pretty crippling because it felt like everything took a massive effort to get through. As a result, I avoided simple tasks like checking my email. Sometimes just putting a meal together caused me a lot of stress.

The worst thing was the morning. It was so hard to get out of bed. On odd occasions where I could have a sleep-in, I would constantly battle with myself on when I should get up. I'd feel guilty if I was still in bed, or I would just feel horrible and anxious once I got up. I would experience that awful racing heart that seemed to make my chest thud so hard I was surprised people couldn't see it pulsing. 

If my mobile phone went off, either an SMS or a phone call, I freaked out. Sometimes it would just be a vapid notice from our phone carrier or a random message from a friend. The relief that it was no big deal would be pretty great, but then the anxiety would just begin growing again. I had to build myself just to check my email. And I would only do it once a day. I would congratulate myself each time I did it too. It felt like such an achievement.

The most frustrating part for me was not feeling like myself. I've usually got a few things going at once, and I'm fairly enthused to start the day. Struggling just to get out of bed was horrible. I'm a pretty happy guy most of the time, so to feel so blue was just soul crushing. And to not really know why. Part of me thought I could just snap myself out of it if I fixed the root cause. I did learn not to get so hung up on that as time went on.

This was not my first wrestling match with the black dog. Although, it was more anxiety than depression. I've had down patches ever since I was a teenager. They used to be triggered by falling behind in my homework at high school and/or insomnia. If I had a night without sleep, I knew I had about a week of cloud to fight through. There was a period of time before my mother took her life that I felt like I understood a little of what she went through. 

She spent her last few years battling severe depression. Before I was born she'd had a bout so severe that she attempted suicide by jumping off a building. Thankfully she was unsuccessful, or else I wouldn't be here. It seemed that my birth played a big part in her coming out of her depressive state. She managed to keep the black dog away until I was a teenager. 

So, I've had my moments with depression and anxiety over the years. I've never had suicidal thoughts, which I'm very grateful for. I'm very lucky to have had Rhona to help me through. I know there are people out there with mental health issues who have partners that don't understand or empathise. As Rhona has her own stress and anxiety problems, she knows exactly what I go through. We're a good team. Usually, when one of us is low, the other is high enough to help prop them up. Even when we're both a little low, we're good at leaning on each other.

I'm very lucky that during my latest period of anxiety, I still enjoyed gigging. If my work had become stressful, that would have been really hard to push through. As it was, just emailing and talking on the phone was a challenge. Socialising with band mates or punters in my breaks was a little touch and go. I did let a few close friends know what I was going through, and their support was wonderful.

Without wanting to jinx myself, I think I'm pretty much through to the other side now. I've been feeling good, and full of a little more get-up-and-go. Particularly in the mornings. Just a little more motivated to get things done.

Rhona encouraged me to visit the psychologist she'd been seeing, and come up with some strategies to help manage my anxiety. One big thing I took away from those sessions was making little 1% changes in life. Just to look at particular aspects of life and seeing if we could make a small change for the better. So I stopped putting as much emphasis on some household chores or errands to be done immediately. I was giving myself permission to leave things until tomorrow or another day. I began to make time to do things that I enjoyed, those activities gave me a little reprieve from the day-to-day stuff. They became very important in helping me move forward.

One analogy Rhona and the psychologist liked to use was that of a jellybean jar. Each interaction, task or moment of the day requires a certain amount of jellybeans depending on how stressful or manageable they are. It's important to remember to fill the jar back up. So, activities you enjoy, or time taken just for you, is crucial in filling up the jellybean jar. Rhona was very conscious that I needed to have filled up my jar before going to out to play a gig or the shops or other social interactions. 

January is usually a bad month for me and Rhona, as we don't have a routine to stick to. School's out, and the structure of the usual week is gone. Rhona spent most of last year on long service leave and was experiencing high levels of anxiety due to not having a set routine. To add insult to injury, she was putting pressure on herself to enjoy the leave, which is something she'd been working towards for ten years. Sometimes getting what you want can have its drawbacks. 

As the year progressed, Rhona got emotionally stronger and was managing her anxiety attacks quite well. Just in time for me to fall down the hole. I was constantly waking up with a racing heart. Some mornings I seemed to be in a waking loop where I was reliving a situation that was making me anxious over and over again. I would awake slightly panicked and not really be sure what I had dreamt or what was causing the feeling. 

Thankfully I never dreaded going to sleep or getting into bed at night. I was usually up late enough to be tired, and I would want to go to sleep. Our bed is super comfy too. Night time was usually when I felt best, mentally speaking. I guess, it was the end of the day, there was little I could do other than enjoy the night and wind down. I think I possibly kept clinging to the idea that I feel better in the morning. 

I remained very grateful for Rhona. She would constantly ask how I was feeling and check if I needed to talk anything through. If I had an upcoming gig that was causing me a little stress, she was a wonderful sounding board. 

Things progressed slowly, but over time, the cloud started to lift. Constant support from my family and friends was the greatest factor alleviating my stress. The sessions with the psychologist helped me put a few things in perspective as well. Nothing like the reduced rationality when you're in the throes of depression and anxiety!

As I write this blog, I'm feeling a lot better. I'm pretty much back to my old self again, but I'm riding a different wave. It's my manic wave. Everything is awesome, and nothing is happening fast enough for me. Driving seems to be in slow motion as well. I can't get to where I'm going fast enough!

I tend to get a little self-centred too. Or rather, a bit blinkered in what I'm doing or trying to get done. My mind map gets very rigid and some things that come up to challenge this either get ignored or not taken seriously. I can almost feel myself doing it, but I don't fully realise it until after the fact.

I'm happy to be feeling happier. The family has had a couple of challenges to start the year off with, but there's been a fair few wins as well. Hoping that will be a trend that continues to, um, continue.